FILM REVIEWS: After Earth

Often, a great movie will have a great takeaway message that it leaves the audience with. Lawrence of Arabia showed us that one man, in the right time, could make a difference. The Godfather demonstrated to audiences that no man is truly incorruptible. And, continuing this chain of great films, After Earth gives us the definitive message that Jaden Smith will never be a successful actor. This film is an ill-conceived attempt to give him a moment in the spotlight so that he can prove himself to be just as good as his father (Will Smith), but unfortunately it fails to impress. After the perfectly serviceable performance he gave in The Karate Kid, he absolutely destroys any hope he ever had of becoming a real actor here.

There’s not much to say about After Earth, because there’s absolutely nothing to it. The film is about a future in which humans have been chased from planet to planet by some kind of alien threat. Will Smith plays General Cypher Raige, the military leader who saves them in numerous battles from the alien menace, and also just so happens to have the most ridiculously badass name of all time. Seriously, if you name your kid “Cypher Raige,” what are the chances that he’ll grow up to be a melon farmer or something? It’s like naming your kid “Speed Racer.” Jesus.

Anyway, Mr. and Mrs. Raige have a kid, played by Jaden Smith. Jaden is trying to become a ranger just like his father, but he is constantly being held back in life by his poor acting skills and weird, lisping voice-over. So the two of them decide to spend some father-son time and go for a ride. Then their ship is hit by an asteroid, and they find themselves stranded on Earth. Which they could have easily predicted if they had bothered to read the title of the movie.

It’s impossible to accurately judge this movie’s script, as a good 95% of it is just generic sci-fi mumbo-jumbo. “Gravitons could be a precursor to mass expansion.” “But mass expansion is a one in a million chance!” Anyone who can decipher that meaningless trite shall be crowned King of England!!! In fact, this entire movie is just bland science fiction crap. It is a pointless and derivative movie that has been done many times before, and far better than this. All of the special effects look like second-rate Avatar CGI, and none of the so-called ‘science’ makes any sense. Case in point: Earth completely freezes over every night, right? So how is there still foliage alive? The forests would have completely died off by now! Fuck this movie...

There is virtually no character development in this entire thing. Will Smith’s performance consists of glaring, looking menacing, and staring angrily. His tough-guy military dad persona gets old really quick, leaving it to his son to carry the entire film. Unfortunately, he is absolutely incapable of doing this. He has a strange speech pattern in which he slurs his words and sounds like he’s frustrated all the time. It doesn’t help him much that his lines suck, though-- “My suit’s turning black. I like it, but I think it’s something bad.” It’s almost as if nobody bothered to proofread this thing at all.

Not only did this set back Will Smith’s career and greatly damage his son’s, it also killed any hope for M. Night Shyamalan to ever direct a movie again. This director used to be good, but in reality, all he’s really given us is one mediocre movie followed by an assload of terrible ones, from a disaster movie in which trees emit a gas that makes people kill themselves (The Happening) to a live-action adaptation of a beloved kid’s film that didn’t even bother to get the character’s names and races right (The Last Airbender). Personally, I never even cared for his breakout movie, The Sixth Sense, and I see this slow disintegration of his career as inevitable. Others, however, are far more disappointed, but seeing as I didn’t expect anything from this movie, I don’t hate it with a passion like some do.

Final Score for After Earth: 1/10 stars. Yeah, this sucks. From wooden characters to horrible plot points, this movie is one of the worst of the year, and is the poster boy for “Anus of Cinema.” I found it unbelievable that Will Smith had literally no screen chemistry with his own son, but maybe this is what life is like in the Smith household in the real world. A controlling father dedicated to what he does for a living, and trying his hardest to get his son to follow in his footsteps. Naaaaah, that’s ridiculous...

FILM REVIEWS: Gravity

When 3D made its appearance in theaters, the first movie I saw in the new format was Avatar. Long story short, that anus of a movie made me never want to see a 3D film again, as they not only induce headaches and are overly reliant on visuals, but they increased ticket prices by three dollars. After that, 3D movies got progressively worse, ranging from post-converted 3D that made everything look like cardboard (Clash of the Titans) to useless movies that directors used to showcase all the new crap they could throw up onscreen (Hugo). I had all but lost faith in the medium of 3D entertainment. Until... now.

Alfonso Cuaron, who in the past has given us the best Harry Potter movie and the sci-fi epic Children of Men, delivers with every fiber of his being with Gravity, easily one of the best films of the year. Unfortunately, this isn’t saying much, as the rest of this year has been mostly awful thus far. And although it is remarkable entertainment, Gravity is still not the film I have been looking forward to for a year. Although this film is certainly a mind-blowing cinematic experience while you’re in the theater, I can imagine that repeated viewings on DVD will dull the effect of the film. Its mind-blowing visuals are the only ones that I can safely say should be experienced in 3D, and they certainly blow every other visual this year out of the water-- but without the impressive IMAX theater format, this film will be decidedly lacking.

Gravity stars Sandra Bullock as Dr. Ryan Stone, a specialist aboard a routine shuttle mission to repair and update the Hubble space telescope. However, after a Russian satellite falls to pieces (those God damn Russians are always the bad guys) and the debris hits her shuttle, she is left floating adrift in space. This simple premise is easily one of the most powerful sci-fi ideas ever put to screen, and the claustrophobic environment of the space suit she’s in makes it all the more amazing. One shot, which actually goes inside the helmet, is especially memorable. Even if you aren’t impressed by Bullock’s hyperventilation, I guarantee you-- this film will make you forget that you are in a movie theater.

After spinning in space for a bit, Bullock is found by Matt Kowalski (George Clooney), who clearly has fun playing a slight parody of his arrogant screen persona. Together, the two of them make a little jetpack journey to the International Space Station. Here’s where the film got a little annoying for me-- there’s no way the pair of them could travel thousands of miles to get to the ISS without running out of oxygen first. I mean, seriously, it’s like crossing the continental US. Of course, it’s possible that they were a lot closer to it than the movie made it seem... but it’s too much of a happy coincidence that they were close enough to not one, but TWO space stations to fly to them. Lame.

Fortunately, the dialogue between Clooney and Bullock is strong and makes the movie worthwhile. This movie is the pinnacle of intelligent science fiction, have no doubt about it. It’s truly a remarkable feat to make a film in which there are only two actors, who do nothing but talk and float for an hour and a half, and still have the audience riveted. That said, the dialogue between Clooney and Bullock isn’t THAT great. In fact, a lot of it is pretty uninspired, but Clooney pulls it off with his offhand delivery and cool demeanor. Bullock, meanwhile, plays the part that every audience member needs-- the relatable lead who is just as terrified by the situation as we are. Floating through infinite blackness is one of my absolute worst nightmares, and it’ll be one of yours too once you see this film. So what if the dialogue doesn’t crackle-- it’s all worth it to see Sandra Bullock howl like a dog.

Unfortunately, this movie commits two cardinal sins of filmmaking. Clooney is the strongest part of the movie, outperforming Bullock with a spectacular performance that, although quirky, never goes over the top. And sadly, the film kills him off far too quickly. But that’s not all-- Clooney later shows up as Bullock’s hallucination and gives her advice on how to pilot a shuttle. HOW DOES A CHARACTER GLEAN IMPORTANT INFORMATION FROM HER HALLUCINATION??? It makes absolutely no sense. Sure, you could say that she already knew it, and her subconscious was letting her know about it via Clooney. But it was still an incredibly lame sequence that did absolutely nothing for me.

Normally, this visually magnificent yet emotionally empty film wouldn’t warrant much recognition from me. However, I am a sucker for cinematography. And the soon-to-be iconic scene at the beginning of this film deserves a place in filmmaking history. The way Cuaron snakes his camera in and out through the shuttle creates a dizzying effect, where (just like in space) there is no up or down. There’s not a single cut for the first five minutes of the movie, and it’s spellbinding to watch as the camera performs remarkable feats that one would not have thought possible before seeing this movie. Is it powerful? Fuck yes. But I won’t be able to convey the feeling you get from this sequence through words. This is a movie that truly has to be seen to be believed.

Final Score for Gravity: 8/10 stars. Perhaps the hype built this film up too much in my mind, but it’s no Children of Men. Sure, it’s overrated, but I’m perfectly happy to see a science fiction movie get critical praise after a decade of movies like Lockout and Man of Steel. Looper was snubbed at the Oscars last year, but perhaps this will be the Academy’s chance to make up for it. I can’t even recall the last time a science fiction movie got nominated for Best Picture, but Gravity is certainly worthy of it. Just remember-- go in expecting dazzling visuals and nothing more. And then you might be pleasantly surprised.