And now we have A Good Day to Die Hard. To be honest, I haven't seen numbers 2, 3, and 4 recently, so I'm not sure that I'm calling this accurately... but I think it's safe to say that it's easily the worst movie in the whole franchise. It has taken the all-American spirit of the originals and stuck it in Moscow. PRONOUNCED MOS-CO, NOT MOS-COW. GET IT TOGETHER, YOU FRIGGING PEOPLE... Jesus Christ. Anyway, everything about this movie pisses me off, from the stupid characters to the stupid plot to the stupid... everything. The original Die Hard was great because it had a high-concept plot and Alan Rickman as one of the best screen villains of all time. Of course, this was lost on the creators of A Good Day to Die Hard.
Still, it had one of the best 'Yippee-ki-yay' moments in the franchise, where Willis says "The things we do for our kids. Yippee-ki-yay, motherf**kers." And then he drives a truck out of a helicopter and basically neuters it. But this is basically the only good thing I can say about this franchise-killing piece of shit. Willis just phones it in, and says only a few lines of dialogue in the whole movie. When he does talk, it's essentially repeating what he's already said (vacation, anyone?). Courtney, who plays his son, is basically 2013's Sam Worthington. So yes, I hate him passionately.
I could go on for days, but in the interest of conserving time, here's my list of EVERYTHING WRONG WITH A GOOD DAY TO DIE HARD!!! John McClane is not a good father? You have to be kidding me. Nobody runs into Chernobyl without a shirt on. Nobody leaves a friggin' ammo dump in the trunk of a Maybach. Jai Courtney is not John McClane's son, don't you EVER FORGET IT. Why do all the Russians always turn on each other in these movies? Very little use of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. Does not take place on a major holiday. Bruce Willis is bald, again. Why are so many Russians walking in slow motion whenever someone makes a phone call? Why was the bad guy eating a carrot? How many times is Willis going to say 'I'm on vacation'? What were the Russians trying to accomplish, anyway... they had Uranium in a vault, but then... what? The bad guy gets caught monologuing. We don't get to see the pirate gun in action. The car chase scene lasts for fifteen minutes. Why did the Russian guy lie about there being a file...? How many innocent people were killed on the streets of Moscow? Why didn't McClane make fists with his toes? Why didn't he say 'Shoot the glass'? Does anyone really care? Why did John F**king Moore direct this thing? Just... WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Final score: 2/10 stars. It wasn't on the same level of Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, but it was still a franchise killer. If there is a Die Hard 6 (which seems impossible now), here's what needs to happen: They need to get a good script, a good director, and a cinematographer who doesn't suffer from dyslexia. They need to get McClane back in an enclosed space, hire someone GOOD to play the villain, and arm everyone to the teeth. Finally, it must be called 'Old Habits Die Hard.' And if they use this without consulting me, I'm suing.
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