FILM REVIEWS: The Butler

Every once in a while, a movie comes along that I wish would manifest itself into a physical being just so I could punch it in the face. The Butler falls quite comfortably into that category. This obnoxious, preachy, self-important load of bullshit is one of the worst movies of the year, if not one of the worst of all time. Let me give you a tip: If Oprah says that you should see a movie, never, ever see it. Along with this year’s 42, this movie’s sole purpose is to make white liberals feel guilty. Sorry, Lee Daniels-- If I want to feel guilty about racial inequality, I’ll drive over to Richmond.

The Butler is the true (HA!) story of Cecil Gaines, a black butler at the White House who saw through several presidencies and got out as fast as he could when Reagan came in (I don’t blame him). As you might guess from the story I just outlined, this movie is hopelessly manipulative. There are barely any scenes where the characters are allowed to just develop without the weight of the fucking world being placed on their shoulders. Every black character in this movie is so ridiculously noble it hurts. I was literally screaming at the screen “OH MY GOD, WE GET IT ALREADY, WHITE PEOPLE ARE EVIL! FUCK YOU!” I started to feel like an asshole for hating this movie, but then I realized that that’s EXACTLY what it wants me to do: Be guilt-tripped into saying that hundreds of years of abuse towards African-Americans somehow allows this movie a pass when it comes to characters, dialogue, plot, etc.

From the get-go, this monotonous piece of shit is out to make people wet their pants over discrimination and “we shall overcome” crap. Yes, the civil rights movement was a great thing. So doesn’t it deserve a better movie? Every moment in this film is perfectly concocted to make white people feel sorry for something that PRESENT-DAY WHITES HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH, regardless of historical accuracy. At the beginning of the film, Gaines is a young boy on a cotton plantation. He sees his mother get raped, and when his father stands up to the white man who raped her, he gets killed. A quick Google search will reveal that this never actually happened, and was the result of Lee Daniels taking a “creative license” with the story. In other words, he made shit up to make people feel bad. What a great fucking director.

Grown-up Gaines is played by Forest Whitaker, whom I now cannot see onscreen without thinking of the “Something bad happened here” scene from Species. He’s not a very good actor in my opinion, and always speaks in a raspy, halting voice that makes him very unenjoyable to watch. It also doesn’t help that in the movie, his character is married to Oprah. FUCKING OPRAH. I could go on for weeks about how much I hate this bitch. She has built a personality cult around herself that brainwashes middle-aged women in a constant barrage of intrusive TV shows, TV specials, annoying magazines, and movies like this. It’s pretty clear from the get-go that she’s only in this to draw a crowd, as she is a horrible fucking actress. Every scene she’s in gets a 0/10 from me. Why someone thought she should be cast in ANYTHING is beyond me.

The presidents are okay, but almost all of the most important parts of their presidencies are omitted in favor of focusing only on the civil rights movement. We don’t even get to see Nixon (John Cusack) resign. A lot of them are ridiculously miscast (Alan Rickman as Ronald Reagan?), not to mention that Gerald Ford gets approximately zero seconds of screen time. The film tries to be a Forrest Gump-style historical drama, in which the main character inadvertently affects the course of history by meeting random people. But compared to this, Forrest Gump is a masterpiece. It never tried to be taken seriously by anyone-- There’s no way one guy could possibly have that much impact on the world, especially if he has an IQ that places him well within the “potato” range. But at least that movie had a sense of fun about it. The Butler shows us countless scenarios where Gaines influences important decisions by the presidents, and expects us to believe that it is all legitimate and accurate. This enrages me.

And then there’s the dialogue, which is all poorly written. Every black character is so ridiculously noble, and all of their conversations are epic clashes of ideology and beliefs. There is no room left to breathe for the audience as we are smothered with (and force-fed) the most obvious message in movie history. And just when I thought it couldn’t get worse... THE ENDING. OH MY GOD, THE ENDING. After skipping over Carter, the Bushes, and Clinton, we end up in 2008, where Gaines and Oprah are getting ready to vote for Barack Obama. It is such manipulative, trite, pathetic, in-your-face liberal retardation. I felt like I was watching an ad for the NAACP. Whitaker looks at the TV, and when Obama wins, a single, solitary tear rolls down his cheek. And it’s perfectly obvious that he only voted for Obama because he was black, and not for any policy reasons. This is arguably just as bad as NOT voting for Obama because he is black. FUCK! AND THEN OPRAH DIES, AND I’M SUPPOSED TO FEEL BAD?!? HAHAHAHA! FUCK YOU, MOVIE!

Final Score for the enormous shitfest known as The Butler: THE COVETED DIEGO TUTWEILLER NEGATIVE ZERO OUT OF TEN STARS! This movie is absolute dogshit, presented to the audience as if it somehow exposes great truths about society. Nothing in this entire fuckfest works even remotely adequately. The camerawork is boring, the characters are dull and underdeveloped, the writing is atrocious, and its message is delivered with such sledgehammer force that nobody ends up actually giving a shit. The worst movie of the year so far.

FILM REVIEWS: American Hustle

Thank God for movies like American Hustle, because if it weren’t for them, I wouldn’t bother seeing movies in theaters anymore. Despite being somewhat overrated, this is a well-oiled machine of a movie that pushes along at a strong pace, building and becoming more interesting as characters and subplots are piled on. I think that in a way, this film is a toned-down version of Pulp Fiction-- Although it’s certainly not as good, it boasts all the aspects of a gangster/drama/comedy classic. It’s funny when it wants to be, ironic whenever it feels like it, but it also sets aside time for jaw-droppingly great performances and extremely dramatic moments. Also, it boasts an all-star cast that left me blown away. This is one of the best films of the year.

American Hustle is directed by David O. Russell, who in the past has given us the criminally underrated film Three Kings and the criminally overrated film Silver Linings Playbook. Say what you will about him, but he is one of the few directors who can actually make visuals in a drama amazing. Most people consider visuals in movies nowadays to be things like CGI and explosions, but action and sci-fi landscapes aren’t necessary to create memorable visuals. Russell focuses mostly on camera angles and set design, and puts an incredible amount of effort into re-creating the era. The costumes are expertly crafted, and the scene in which Christian Bale pieces together his hair is absolutely perfect.

Unlike other movies (fuck you, The Butler), American Hustle doesn’t pretend to be even remotely accurate about its story, prefacing the movie with the title card “SOME OF THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED.” It’s a work of genius that sets the tone for a vibrantly surreal movie that only gets more enjoyable the further it travels down the rabbit hole. Bale stars as an expert con artist, who with the assistance of Amy Adams cons hundreds of not-so-well-off guys who need loans. Bale’s operation is sniffed out by Bradley Cooper, a hothead federal agent who seems to always take things too far. Originally, these two roles were going to be reversed, with Cooper as the con artist and Bale as the fed. But that would never have worked-- Cooper’s youthful exuberance completely makes his character, and Bale delivers one of his best performances ever as the withdrawn con man. These are two of the year’s best performances, and practically carry the movie entirely just by the levity of their actions.

In order to avoid jail time, Bale and Adams agree to help Cooper out in a massive bust of corrupt politicians. One of these politicians is Mayor Carmine Polito, who is played by Jeremy Renner, one of the most underrated actors of our generation. He brings his innate likability to the character, and creates a sympathetic person who clearly wants nothing more than to do what is best for his constituents. But the real draw in this film is Jennifer Lawrence, who plays Bale’s wife. She is both magnetic and repulsive at once-- her character is probably the most intense I’ve seen this year. Although on the surface she is nothing more than a manipulative harpy, she soon reveals deep-seated emotional problems, a fear of change, and seriously latent stupidity. This is what makes her so dangerous: She is an unstable, attractive idiot. I don’t know whether to be entertained by her or fear her with every fiber of my being.

All of these performances are spectacular, but the film is lacking somewhat when it comes to heart. It flips through several great and memorable characters, from Michael Pena as a fake Arab sheik to Robert De Niro in a cameo as the ultimate tough-guy mobster, but it never seems to make us feel attached to the characters. Some backstory is given to Bale and Adams, but I never really bought their relationship, and this story is thrown in at the beginning, where the audience is yelling “JUST GET TO THE HUSTLE ALREADY!” It certainly gets better as it moves along, but I never shook the feeling that I was watching Pulp Fiction Lite. It’s another movie about gangsters and colorful characters, but none of them have the authenticity and likability of the characters in other gangster classics. There weren’t many quotable quotes, the dialogue lacked passion, and there was a lot of technical mumbo-jumbo about the money transfers and suchlike. Not a moment of small talk goes by, and that purveys the thought that these characters aren’t really characters-- They’re just people filling roles.

Final Score for American Hustle: 7/10 stars. A very well-done film that stumbles occasionally, this movie is extremely watchable but not always enjoyable. It’s at its best when it tries to be funny, because when it’s funny it’s HILARIOUS. Louie CK makes a welcome appearance as Bradley Cooper’s oft-abused boss, and he brings his funniest stuff to the table. The sheer ludicrousness of this movie is laughable, and I mean that in a good way. It’s a lot of fun, so who cares if there are moments that don’t ring as true as others?

Wait, there’s a scene where Jennifer Lawrence kisses Amy Adams.

On the lips.

Fuck it, 8/10.

FILM REVIEWS: Pacific Rim

I just saw Pacific Rim with my friend Calvin, and... *sigh*... it was pretty stupid. Seriously, it's dumb as shit. But here we go: Pacific Rim chronicles the efforts of humanity to fight the onslaught of inter-dimensional Godzilla lizards climbing through a trans-universal rift in the Pacific Ocean. Seriously. It's f**king stupid. To combat these creatures (called Kaiju), humanity created Jaegers, enormous robots that feature all the most advanced weapons known to man. Like... a sword. A razor blade. And a fist.

They explain away this ridiculous shit by saying that the Kaiju's skin is impervious to nuclear warheads, missiles, etc... but not a robot punching them. That makes sense. Also, the robots must be piloted by two people. Why can't they just be programmed to fight? Because Plotline. Why can't just one person pilot them? Because Plotline again. How does the neural-link technology exist? You guessed it: PLOTLINE.

So, overlooking the INCREDIBLE lapses in logic... the dialogue is horrible. Absolutely horrific. None of the actors seem even remotely committed to their roles, and it shows. Idris Elba is the one exception, as he can make even the corniest lines seem intimidating. But other than him, the acting is a total dud. Featuring totally inept performances from both of its leads, we've now realized that a good 67% of this movie is crap. So, besides plot and characters/dialogue, what's left?

SPECIAL F**KING EFFECTS. And this had PLENTY of them. This is the kind of movie that appeals to the 10-year-old kid in all of us. It's Transformers fighting Godzilla, and it's pretty epic. Overlooking the fact that this was undoubtedly made just to sell toys... in fact, there's a scene at the beginning where we're treated to the fact that, in seven or so years, the Kaiju and Jaegers are both kid's toys, and little action figures are sold everywhere. Not since the first Transformers movie has this been more evident. "COOL, MOM!"

But even the action sequences are dumb. They last too long, and the WOW factor really decreases after you start to realize that EVERY OTHER COUNTRY'S JAEGER WILL DIE EXCEPT FOR AMERICA'S. Again, because Plotline. Oh, and good job not giving Uzbekistan, Paraguay, or Mozambique a Jaeger, Guillermo del Toro. Real smooth.

At the end, we discover that the Kaiju are all clones of each other (so why do they look different? Because Plotline), and that they're amassing for an all-out assault. Which makes you wonder what they're waiting for. Idris Elba sacrifices himself, because the black guy always has to die in these movies, and the portal is destroyed. Somehow, our two heroes are able to escape back through the interdimensional portal, even though they had just explained that only Kaiju could pass through. They even made a big show of having them grab a Kaiju and hold onto it as they went through the portal, just so they wouldn't get zapped. It's f**king stupid.

And so they eject in escape pods and float to the surface. Why couldn't they and the other pilots have used these escape pods before? Plotline. And then we have the predictable "OH NO THE HERO'S DEAD" sequence, ending when he coughs and sputters and says something witty while helicopters fly in perfect formation overhead. Totally awful.

So, Final Score for Pacific Rim? 4/10 stars. The summer of duds is continuing here. At this point, watch Much Ado About Nothing instead, when you finally get bored with the relentless onslaughts of unnecessary CGI. First Man of Steal Your Money, and now this? Hollywood needs to realize that special effects do not a movie make.

FILM REVIEWS: The Wolverine

Sometimes, a summer movie will be great, sometimes it will be good, and sometimes it will be so bad it's entertaining. The Wolverine, unfortunately, fails on all three fronts. Bringing back Hugh Jackman as the iconic superhero, it puts him in Japan and tries to convince the audience of a half-assed re-imagining of Wolverine as a samurai. As cool as Wolverine VS Ninjas sounds, it's not very good onscreen, especially when there are no characters or good dialogue to hold it all up.

Throughout the proceedings, I could think of only one thing: WHY DOES THIS MOVIE EXIST? The answer, as it all too often is, is money. This contributes nothing to X-Men, Wolverine's story, or anything Marvel wanted to do. It is just killing time until the sequels to Spider-Man, Thor, Captain America, and The Avengers. It's a waste of celluloid and, even worse, a waste of my time. Anyone can throw together a movie about some guy with claws ripping the living shit out of people, but it requires some depth to the characters and some attention to the acting. The Wolverine did neither, as it barreled ever forward like a runaway train. Also, can superhero film writers not think of ANYTHING original for the plot? Yet again, we're treated to the hero losing his powers in some bullshit way, only to be regained at the end of the movie. Spider-Man 2 did it first, and far better.

The action sequences are somewhat memorable, I suppose, but they are shoehorned into the movie in the most idiotic of ways. One scene on a bullet train is particularly entertaining, and I am guilty of uttering WOW a couple of times, but that's not enough to save a movie. Especially when it follows that up with a giant samurai Iron Man with heat-swords tearing people's anuses asunder. None of the villains were memorable, and don't even deserve to be called 'villains' if that category also includes Hans Gruber and HAL 9000.

I give this movie no points for plot, dialogue, characters, or any of the things that I actually value in a film. It has plenty of ludicrous action sequences, but it eventually overloads on them with a ridiculous machine that can strip Wolverine of his powers and some annoying viper-woman in green spandex. I'm sure it sounded awesome on paper, or in an elevator pitch, but that's basically all this movie is-- a dumb idea stretched to two hours. Jackman is, as always, fully committed to his role, but he is given very little to work with other than "Be gruff, be tough, and kill people." And it's even more disappointing when you realize what a great superhero Wolverine is-- he's mysterious, conflicted, and deep. But unfortunately, none of those qualities seem to have made the transfer to the big screen.

I'm not sure why the X-Men movies get so much critical acclaim, but I suppose it's because of the charisma of some of the actors and the often astounding special effects. And if you like superhero movies, I recommend this highly. However, for people who are passionate about film, this loud and ridiculous mess will bore you to the soul. I admit that this movie was not made for me, but good God, it could have at least made an EFFORT. None of the plot is coherent, none of the dialogue rings true, and all the characters are either generic or stereotypes. Much like Pacific Rim (another product of a runaway budget this year), The Wolverine will impress action junkies who enjoy seeing Asian towns get ripped to pieces as the main character's warpath continues. But for those who want their movies to make a bit of sense, well... this is not your thing.

Final Score for The Wolverine: 3/10 stars. Sure, for dumb summer fun, you could do worse, but why settle for such a mediocre film as this? It's boring, redundant, and a total waste of time. It's not as bad as Man of Steal Your Money, but it's not coming close to redeem this already horrible year for movies.

FILM REVIEWS: 42

Before I get into this review, I want to say that it was a really important thing to make a movie about Jackie Robinson. The entire anti-segregation movement was an unparalleled moment in American history where people stood up against redneck hicks and started to push back old white people whose grandpas had fought for the Confederates during the Civil War. That said, 42 is pretty one-dimensional. I've always said that a great movie needs a great villain, and this simply didn't have that. It's the same problem I had with the aforementioned Django Unchained, which made its villains so repulsive that the audience gets some really weird thrills out of seeing their heads get blown off.

Clearly, 42 didn't have any head-blowing-off-ness (but I would like to see Tarantino's version of the story). What it did have was 120 minutes of feel-good moments where Robinson steals bases, hits home runs, and laughs in racists hick's faces. And it's a LOT less interesting than it sounds. After watching virtually two hours of the same set of scenes OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN, there is literally not an ounce of suspense.

This movie could have had great moments, where Robinson is attacked outside of the baseball park by racists, or where his wife actually has some DOUBTS about what he's doing, instead of being an emotionless prop who does nothing but give little motivational speeches every ten minutes. But that's just not the kind of film it was. It's a PG-13 movie about a much heavier subject. It was canned, corny, and featured some incredibly crappy acting from some of the supporting cast.

Of course, Harrison Ford and Alan Tudyk don't fall into that category. It was good to see Ford playing the old guy he really is instead of riding horses, fighting aliens and Russians, and teaming up with Shiia Lebouf. Plus, Alan Tudyk (who Firefly fans will remember as Hoban Washburn) plays the racist coach for the Philadelphia Phillies. Which is really interesting to watch, seeing as he's married to a black woman in Firefly... actually, go watch that show instead of this movie. It's better.

In short, 42 was entertaining enough, but a story like this deserves better treatment. Hard to believe that the man who once wrote the screenplays for LA Confidential and Salt directed this Disney-like feel-good movie. How the mighty have fallen. On the plus side, Chadwick Boseman is perfectly cast as Jackie Robinson. If only the other actors had put in as much effort as he did.

This movie has some really great aspects, but most of it is bogged down by the treacly and sentimental treatment given to it, and the story is done a great disservice. All of the characters feel hollow and emotionless, not to mention that most of the movie is decidedly unmemorable. I understand that fans of baseball or black history will appreciate what this film is trying to do, but it just doesn't do the story of Jackie Robinson justice. It's a bland, unfeeling, and occasionally inept film that follows a predictable story arc and features some of the worst dialogue ever written. Bottom line: If you liked August Rush, you'll love this.

Final score for 42? I'll be generous and give it 4/10 stars. Unless you're a baseball fan, this isn't really a must-see film. And I'm sure I'll get flak from people who say that it's an important Civil Rights movie, but seriously? We're making movies about Jackie Robinson and not Rosa Parks or MLK? It's like Robinson himself says in the film-- "I'm just a ballplayer."

FILM REVIEWS: The Way Way Back

After seeing plenty of coming-of-age stories, I was afraid that the genre would get a tad tedious. I was wrong. It seems that no matter how many times the same themes are repeated in these movies, the directors always find something new to bring to the table. The Way Way Back is one of the best films of the year, and is one of the few films that can legitimately bill itself as "You'll laugh, you'll cry." It's quite an experience.

The Way Way Back is the story of Duncan, a 14-year-old kid with a distant mother who has an abusively mean boyfriend (played by Steve Carell). The opening scene is incredible and hard to watch-- and it really sets the tone for the rest of the film. Carell asks him to rate himself on a scale of one to ten. When he persists, Duncan gives in and says "Six." Carell responds with the most crushing line in comedy history: "I think you're a three."

I've always been a big fan of Steve Carell (even when he made Dan in Real Life), but I never expected a performance like this from him. He's a very likable person, yet he plays an incredibly detestable character. I don't know what the directors saw in him that made them choose him for the role, but they were clearly right, as he plays the part perfectly. Meanwhile, Allison Janey is introduced as a drunk, nutty neighbor, which adds some welcome lightness to the proceedings. I've only seen her as CJ Craig in The West Wing, so it was nice to see her go from being a cut-and-dried press secretary to a tipsy divorcee cutting loose.

But the best performance comes from one of my favorite actors, Sam Rockwell. If he hadn't already solidified his standing as a great actor with Moon or Galaxy Quest, he does so with this. He plays the King of the Water Park in the beach community where Duncan is on vacation, and after he sees something in Duncan, he hires him as a water park employee. He is truly the kind of person everyone should aspire to be. Carefree, hilarious, fast-talking, and just fun to be around, he embodies everything that someone taking care of a kid should be. He is the exact opposite of Carell, giving the movie an almost zenlike yin-and-yang feel to it. It perfectly balances the painfully honest moments of Duncan's home life with his hysterical proceedings at the water park. It's an incredible feat.

The dialogue crackles with intensity as well, Rockwell's specifically. I find it hard to believe that anyone is as good at talking to kids as his character is, but it's certainly fun to watch. He makes up stories off the top of his head and spins ridiculous anecdotes like it comes naturally to him. He's an incredibly fun character to watch, and I can only imagine how fun he was to play.

However, upon a revisitation recently, I realized why this movie isn't that special-- it's lightweight. Not much of importance happens in it, and although it's intermittently spectacular, Rockwell and Carell are the best parts (and arguably the only good parts). In a perfect world, this would pick up a Best Supporting Actor nom for Rockwell, but given the Academy's bias against comedies, I doubt it will even be able to do that, and it will be forever confined to the dustbin of coming-of-age movies. I don't often lower my score for a movie after rewatching it, but at the end of the day, this isn't anything we haven't seen before. And I want to keep up my ridiculously high standards this year in order to have a good awards ceremony, so...

Final Score for The Way Way Back: 7/10 stars. It's a great film, but unfortunately, the payoff is somewhat unsatisfying. I wanted Rockwell and Carell to have a showdown of some kind, but really, that's not in the spirit of the movie. If Rockwell had done anything to Carell, he would have been fighting Duncan's battle for him, and that's not what he needed. He needed a moral guide, not someone to step in for him. Really, it's a charming and fun summer movie that I can't imagine anyone not liking. Definitely worth two hours of your time.

FILM REVIEWS: Star Trek Into Darkness

Although Star Trek Into Darkness is one of the year's better films, that's not really saying much, because 2013 has been a pretty bad year for movies. If you're willing to negate plot and characters for the spectacular action that the original film delivered on, you'll most likely enjoy this. However, the characters have become blander and sillier in this second installment to a great reboot, and the explosions often overshadow them completely. Don't get me wrong, this is a fun movie... but not an objectively good one.

Paying epic homage to the best Trek film of all time (1982's The Wrath of Khan), Darkness introduces a new villain-- who is later revealed to be the younger version of Ricarado Montalban's Khan from the Original Series. In this film, Khan is once again trying to save the lives of his crew, who have remained frozen in capsules after the Eugenics War. Khan, of course, is a superman who has been genetically engineered to possess enhanced intelligence, strength, stamina, and healing powers.

An evil Starfleet captain finds Khan's pods, and revives only him, in order to orchestrate a war with the Klingons (who no longer look like the heavily makeup-clad humans of old) in order to try out some new fancy weapons. Khan, being the badass he is, had his own plans, and smuggled his crew away using the torpedoes that the captain had him build. Here's where Kirk, Spock, Bones, and the rest of the peeps come in: After several terrorist attacks are staged, they chase Khan to the Klingon homeworld, violating the Neutral Zone (and thereby laying the grounds for war). Unknowingly, Kirk captures Khan, and the two are forced to team up to defeat the evil captain.

As is with any science fiction movie, the visuals often run the risk of overshadowing the plot and characters, a little more so here than in 2009's Star Trek. I think there are about five climactic battles. But fortunately, the witty banter that has made this franchise endure is still there. Uhura and Spock have a few spats, which is fun to watch, seeing as he can't really get pissed off. Scotty resigns his post, but returns to save the day in spectacular fashion. And Kirk gets to live through the EXACT SAME sequence from The Wrath of Khan, but this time it's him behind the glass. I won't get into it, as it would spoil the entire film... but this is really required viewing. Also, there's an epic tribble cameo in the film, just to appease the die-hard fanboys who would get all butthurt if it didn't make little nods of the head to the Original Series.

Of course, Benedict Cumerbatch isn't quite able to live up to the big shoes left behind by the original Khan, but that's to be expected. He's a pretty bland actor, and (here's a minor personal bias for me) I feel like he was cast only to please the fangirls. The rest of the cast performs admirably, but the finest moments of the movie are when the characters are experiencing their own little interpersonal crises, not battling atop flying forklifts or running around active volcanoes. And yes, there's a healthy amount of lens flare, as always.

So, where does Darkness rank in the Trek filmography? Well, nothing will ever topple Khan from its sacred position as the height of the saga, and it's certainly not as good as Star Trek, the fantastic reboot that, although featuring the same characters as Darkness, was a lot fresher and more exciting. But I would put Darkness in fifth place easily, perhaps tied with The Search for Spock. F**k The Next Generation, Jean-Luc Picard is a pain in the ass.

Altogether, Star Trek Into Darkness (I feel like there should be a colon there) is a fun time at the movies for Star Trek fans, but is unlikely to please the uninitiated. I hardly remember the movie now, which disappoints me, as the first was packed with hundreds of unforgettable scenes-- not only in space, but between the characters. I was hoping that this reboot franchise would live up to the standard set by the original films, but it's not quite there yet. I suppose super-blood isn't any more ridiculous than traveling back in time to get some humpback whales, but this movie takes its silliness way too seriously.

Final Score for Into Darkness? 6/10 stars. This movie is bland and unmemorable, and often makes me feel like a Christopher Nolan-style reboot OF A REBOOT. As the title suggests, it's a lot darker, a lot moodier, and is filled with Inception-style BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAs. The imposing skyline of future San Francisco is a little too overdone, and the final sequence where (spoilers) Khan's ship levels the entire skyline verges on Transformers-level destruction. It's not bad, but to be honest, it's not that good either.

FILM REVIEWS: Man of Steal Your Money

Wow. I am so f**king pissed right now I can't even see straight. I have a new contender for worst film of the year. And it's Man of f**king Steel. Although A Good Day to Die Hard gets honorable mention still, this one really takes the cake. It was the anus of cinema.

I mostly blame director Zack Snyder, who in the past has directed such masterpieces as 300, Watchmen, and Sucker Punch. If you didn't catch the innate sarcasm in that comment, well, this review won't make much sense to you. The guy knows how to create good visuals, but the stories and character development are consistently ABYSMAL. And Man of Steel is no exception.

Not since Superman IV: The Quest For Peace has the man of steel been so defiled onscreen. Taking a page from Christopher Nolan's Batman trilogy, Snyder gives Superman a dark, brooding persona, as well as an underdeveloped backstory told mostly in flashbacks, and a terrible series of action sequences. The Dark Knight worked perfectly for a hero as rough and gritty as Batman, but Superman... no. Henry Cavill is essentially useless and wooden as Superman himself, which really drags down the entire movie.

Never in my life would I have imagined that I would be so bored by a movie as loud as Man of Steel. It opens with one of the most idiotic and pointless battles ever, between General Zod, the bad guy (and that's all we basically know about him), and Jor-El, Superman's father. Another thing I never thought would happen: Russel Crowe screaming "KRYPTON IS DOOOOOOOMED!!!" Anyway, you know the rest of the story... Superman goes to Earth and meets Lois Lane, played by Amy Adams, who does a tremendous job of running around in high heels and screaming.

The characters do basically nothing in this film, a trait owed to Snyder, who in the past has given us such great dialogue as "Ready your breakfast and eat hearty... for TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL!" There's a good twenty minutes of explosions at the beginning, followed by an hour of what SHOULD have been character development (but wasn't), culminating in a total clusterf**k of final battles at the end which lasted a full hour. Michael Shannon does his best as Zod, but even he can't save Man of Steel from its monotonous and soul-crushing finale.

The plot holes abound in this crappy film. In the first place, Zod is exiled to another dimension, just in time for Krypton to blow up. Because he was exiled, he stays alive. So... why exile him? They KNEW the friggin' planet was going to blow up. Then he finds Superman on Earth and tries to resurrect the dead Kryptonian race, but why did he have to terraform Earth first? It had already been proven that Kryptonians not only could live, but could thrive on Earth. In fact, they gain incredible powers and become Gods. But I guess Zod wasn't interested in that. Absolutely retarded. And for that matter, why not evacuate Krypton? According to Russel Crowe, "Everybody here is already dead." But he got Superman out just f**king fine! What the hell?

And the ending sucks. I cannot repeat that enough. There are about five climactic battles, and it is F**KING ENDLESS. I wanted to just fall into the core of the Earth and die while I was watching it. Just mindless, mindless action. And just when you think it's all done, and Superman is saying something corny to Lois, Zod is back and still alive, ready to keep fighting. So that's another 10 minutes of Superman and Zod slamming into buildings and f**king shit up.

Final Score for this travesty? THE COVETED DIEGO TUTWEILLER NEGATIVE ZERO OUT OF TEN STARS. This was actually worse than Green Lantern, DC's most prominent other recent failure. If the Justice League movie ends up getting made, it will totally suck. DC has now exhausted its three best heroes, and two of their movies stank (Batman being the exception). So who is going to save the franchise now? Wonder Woman? Flash? AQUAMAN? Be realistic.

In short, don't watch this pathetic excuse for a film. Stay home and rent The Dark Knight again. I am so, so, so incredibly disappointed.

FILM REVIEWS: World War Z

This year's movie season has been a bit of a dud, but it's picking up with a few unexpected hits, such as World War Z, one of the best zombie films I've ever seen. That's not really saying much, as the zombie genre is often pretty crappy. The only two notable films in the genre are Zombieland and 28 Days Later. And don't worry, although I liked this movie, this is not going to be a zombie fanboy review, where all I do is yell "OH MY GOD ZOMBIES! WASN'T IT COOL WHEN HE BIT THAT GUY'S HEAD OFF? AND BLOOD WENT EVERYWHERE? THAT WAS SO CLEVER."

So: World War Z is, of course, a zombie movie. But it's far more intelligent fare than you would expect from the genre that gave us the entire Resident Evil franchise. Brad Pitt plays a UN worker who, after securing his family aboard an aircraft carrier, travels the globe searching for a solution to the zombie apocalypse. This is the film's greatest asset, as it mirrors other great adventure films (like, dare I say it, Raiders of the Lost Ark), as Brad Pitt ventures from South Korea to Israel to try and discover the virus's origins-- and hopefully a cure.

Most of the film is taken up with zombies running amok, but the suspense is palpable in the final act, where Pitt must walk through a zombie-infested hallway in order to test his solution to the disease. Joining him on the way is an Israeli soldier who is bitten on the hand, and then gets her hand taken off in an improvised amputation by Pitt himself.

Pitt is good in the lead, and does thoughtful stares out of plane windows well, as always. Unfortunately, his hair is pretty distracting, as it whips around in the wind after a hole is blown in his plane. You would think that someone going into a combat situation would think to take a few inches off of his super-mullet before smacking zombies around, but... apparently not.

Also, there are a few plot holes-- Firstly, in Jerusalem, a woman picks up a bullhorn and starts yelling, which attracts the zombies. But are we really expected to believe that this massive city wasn't generating enough noise already? I can overlook minor things like that, but we're really never told what attracts the zombies, movement, smell, or noise. Also, I found it pretty hard to believe that some guy in Israel intercepted a message in INDIA that mentioned zombies, and then saw fit to build a wall around the entire city of Jerusalem. Things like that could have been fixed easily with a better explanation, but for some reason, the film's creators didn't see fit to do so.

In conclusion, World War Z is one of the rarest breeds of Hollywood film-- intelligent trash. Watch this instead of Man of Steel, which is basically just 'trash'. Final score: 6.5/10 stars.

FILM REVIEWS: Iron Man 3

After the semi-disappointing Avengers, I was more than a little worried that another legendary director would let me down. Shane Black, Iron Man 3's director, has worked with Robert Downey Jr. before in one of my favorite comedies, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang. And if you haven't seen this masterwork of a film, I suggest you drop everything and go watch it right now. Finish reading my blog post, though. I need the hits. I was also worried about another great film franchise dying a slow and painful death, like the year's first travesty, A Good Day to Die Hard. So I went into the theater understandably apprehensive.

And as I so often am these days, I was disappointed: Iron Man 3 is bad as fuck. First off, it gives very little depth to the basically one-dimensional character of Tony Stark, giving him silly anxiety attacks after the events of The Avengers. Secondly, the franchise finally had a massive setback (not quite on the level of The Avengers) in the form of Ben Kingsley as The Mandarin, an Osama bin Laden-Mummar Qadaffi mix who blows s**t up across the country on a regular basis... and then turns out to not even be the main villain. If this guy had been the actual bad guy, it would have been epic. But instead, the villain is some nerd who Tony Stark stood up one night. How exciting.

Tony's bodyguard is the victim of one of The Mandarin's bombs, and he puts out a message to The Mandarin, telling him that he isn't afraid. And so The Mandarin blows up his house. It's an incredibly sad scene, as this monumental bachelor pad, the very symbol of superhero-level decadence, is razed to the ground. Stark ends up flying to Tennessee, where he discovers that the bombs aren't bombs-- they're actually failed experiments.

Apparently, someone is giving amputees treatments that will allow them to magically regrow their limbs, but sometimes they 'overheat' and blow the f**king hell up. This is where the plot starts to unravel. Guy Pearce, the villain, has created an army of evil former-cripples... but how did they turn evil? Do we just assume that if an amputee is given new limbs, they will automatically turn evil? It makes not an ounce of sense.

In the final scenes, Stark saves the president from being killed (and stops Guy Pearce from installing the vice-president as a puppet leader), and Pepper Potts gets the limb-regrowing treatment. So instead of just sitting around like she did in The Avengers, she gets to kill Guy Pearce by blowing him up with a .50 caliber shell. Ben Kingsley and the VP are arrested, and everyone goes home happy.

So, what did I think? Well, as always, I loved RDJ as Tony Stark, and Ben Kingsley sure as hell didn't hurt anything. However, it too often delved into the range of generic action movies with the final ridiculous sequence. What's great about the Iron Man series is that it centers more around the characters than the explosions. But the final battle in this one was almost... dare I say it... reminiscent of Transformers. Still, the cast is great, it's funny, it's witty, and you shouldn't listen to the fanboys complaining about how it "Doesn't adhere to the comics." Nobody gives a flying f**k.

Final score for Iron Man 3? 5/10 stars. It's actually better than the second one, but at the end of the day, that's not saying much. The acting is good, but the silly plot and utterly ludicrous action sequences completely overshadow anything the movie is trying to do. But really, all it's trying to do is entertain. And on that front, sure, it succeeded. But much like this year's The Wolverine, this movie is nothing more than intermittent entertainment to tide Marvel fans over to The Avengers 2.

FILM REVIEWS: White House Down

Sometimes, I find that I'm bored with 'cerebral thrillers' and 'thought-provoking sci-fi', so I need to kick back, relax, and watch some really stupid entertainment. And the film I saw today, White House Down, is just that. It plays like Channing Tatum's test run for a Die Hard reboot, which (although slanderous) is certainly not the worst option for the continuation of the series (the worst being keeping Bruce Willis on as a bald old coot).

White House Down stars Tatum and Jamie Foxx of Django Unchained fame. Foxx is surprisingly good as the president, whose name I cannot remember, and will therefore refer to as Barack Obama. I say this because Roland Emmerich (the maestro of destruction who gave us such great films as Independence Day and 2012) clearly cast him because of his resemblance to the current president. And dammit, I wish Obama was really this badass. Sure, he apparently shoots skeet, but does he drive around the White House lawn with a rocket launcher shooting at terrorists?

Sticking to the aforementioned Die Hard formula, Channing Tatum plays John Cale (not John McClane), a rogue cop in the wrong place at the wrong time (still not John McClane) who has to escape a building that's been taken over by terrorists (no, not Alan Rickman) and stop their maniacal hacker (still not Die Hard) by climbing through secret passageways and elevator shafts (seriously, how much shit will this thing steal from Die Hard?). Someone close to him is taken hostage (his daughter, not his wife) and he has to save her from the terrorists who want him dead for killing their compatriots (yeah, it's pretty much Die Hard). Helicopters are sent in to take the terrorists out (again, Die Hard), but they're taken down in an elaborate explosion sequence (hey, what's that other movie that this happens in... oh, right, Die Hard).

Despite blatantly stealing from the greatest action film ever, White House Down is still amazingly fun to watch. It's easily one of the best White House takeover terrorist movies made in 2013. And that's not a joke, does anyone remember Olympus Has Fallen from a few months ago? Yeah, I didn't think so. And as another aside, Emmerich apparently couldn't resist making a little reference to Independence Day in this movie by having a tour guide MENTION THE MOVIE ITSELF! So now he's doing product placement FOR his movies IN his movies! I swear to God...

Seriously, how did Emmerich not get sued? It's Die Hard down to every last detail. Except in this one, the terrorists are all against each other, some want nuclear launch codes, some are white supremacists, and some (spoiler alert) want to become president. But I'll leave that for you to figure out as the movie progresses.

Actually, I won't-- The Speaker of the House is evil in this movie, and planned a coordinated attack in order to kill both the president and the vice-president and assume command. His goal is to prevent Jamie Foxx's Middle East peace process and help his buddies in the military industrial complex get rich off of war profiteering. And no, unfortunately, Dick Cheney turned down the role. Bummer; he wouldn't have even needed to act.

Kidding aside, as much as I get pissed with Republicans, there's an awful lot of right-bashing in this movie. Every terrorist has some ties with a right-wing organization or something. And although that does add some realism to the film, I don't know if now is a good time to piss off our rural Pennsylvania voters who cling to their guns and religion.

Final Score for White House Down? 4/10 stars. It's an enormous rip-off, but it somehow manages to be entertaining nonetheless. This film is an absolute thrill ride with no brain in it whatsoever. It's one of the silliest movies I've ever seen, but really, what more can you expect from Roland Emmerich, the man who gave us Independence Day and 2012? I hope he continues making these ludicrous, over-the-top popcorn flicks, because at this point I think I've formed a clinical addiction to them. However... that doesn't make them good.

FILM REVIEWS: A Good Day To Die Hard

And now we have A Good Day to Die Hard. To be honest, I haven't seen numbers 2, 3, and 4 recently, so I'm not sure that I'm calling this accurately... but I think it's safe to say that it's easily the worst movie in the whole franchise. It has taken the all-American spirit of the originals and stuck it in Moscow. PRONOUNCED MOS-CO, NOT MOS-COW. GET IT TOGETHER, YOU FRIGGING PEOPLE... Jesus Christ. Anyway, everything about this movie pisses me off, from the stupid characters to the stupid plot to the stupid... everything. The original Die Hard was great because it had a high-concept plot and Alan Rickman as one of the best screen villains of all time. Of course, this was lost on the creators of A Good Day to Die Hard.

Still, it had one of the best 'Yippee-ki-yay' moments in the franchise, where Willis says "The things we do for our kids. Yippee-ki-yay, motherf**kers." And then he drives a truck out of a helicopter and basically neuters it. But this is basically the only good thing I can say about this franchise-killing piece of shit. Willis just phones it in, and says only a few lines of dialogue in the whole movie. When he does talk, it's essentially repeating what he's already said (vacation, anyone?). Courtney, who plays his son, is basically 2013's Sam Worthington. So yes, I hate him passionately.

I could go on for days, but in the interest of conserving time, here's my list of EVERYTHING WRONG WITH A GOOD DAY TO DIE HARD!!! John McClane is not a good father? You have to be kidding me. Nobody runs into Chernobyl without a shirt on. Nobody leaves a friggin' ammo dump in the trunk of a Maybach. Jai Courtney is not John McClane's son, don't you EVER FORGET IT. Why do all the Russians always turn on each other in these movies? Very little use of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. Does not take place on a major holiday. Bruce Willis is bald, again. Why are so many Russians walking in slow motion whenever someone makes a phone call? Why was the bad guy eating a carrot? How many times is Willis going to say 'I'm on vacation'? What were the Russians trying to accomplish, anyway... they had Uranium in a vault, but then... what? The bad guy gets caught monologuing. We don't get to see the pirate gun in action. The car chase scene lasts for fifteen minutes. Why did the Russian guy lie about there being a file...? How many innocent people were killed on the streets of Moscow? Why didn't McClane make fists with his toes? Why didn't he say 'Shoot the glass'? Does anyone really care? Why did John F**king Moore direct this thing? Just... WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Final score: 2/10 stars. It wasn't on the same level of Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, but it was still a franchise killer. If there is a Die Hard 6 (which seems impossible now), here's what needs to happen: They need to get a good script, a good director, and a cinematographer who doesn't suffer from dyslexia. They need to get McClane back in an enclosed space, hire someone GOOD to play the villain, and arm everyone to the teeth. Finally, it must be called 'Old Habits Die Hard.' And if they use this without consulting me, I'm suing.