Horror week, now only halfway complete, is beginning to show signs of slowing down, because frankly, action/horror doesn’t make any sense. You’d think that a movie about a zombie outbreak in a chemical lab that is contained by Milla Jovovich in a pair of ridiculous boots would know enough to not take itself too seriously, but sadly, self-awareness is not an attribute that Resident Evil lends itself to. It’s a Michael Bay movie, but without his warm human touch and excellent scriptwriting. In other words, it’s the bottom of the barrel.
Resident Evil stars Jovovich (the director’s wife, what a coincidence) as Alice, an operative for the Umbrella Corporation, which couldn’t sound any more evil if it tried. After one of the company’s labs releases a virus that turns its technicians into zombies, Alice and a team of racially diverse SWAT guys lead a charge into the underground headquarters to seal it off and blow shit up... or something. But it’s not like people see these things for the plot, which I think is required to give Jovovich amnesia at least once per movie. No, they see it to watch random guys get sliced into cubes by lasers in a scene that looks like it’s straight from a video game. Oh wait-- it is!
Paul W.S. Anderson, who has in the past given us such game-changing hits as Event Horizon, a film about a trans-dimensional demon spaceship, and the Resident Evil sequels, makes little to no effort here to give his characters depth. I suppose I shouldn’t be looking for character development in a movie based off of a cheesy video game, but I’d like something a little more than Michelle Rodriguez playing the tough Latina chick for the 9,000th time in a row. None of the characters are even remotely original; they’re just straight off the chopping block of bad action movie cliches. And what’s really disappointing is that this ISN’T disappointing-- Because it’s what you expected all along.
As for people who go into Resident Evil looking for dumb action and good zombie kills, I guess they’ll be impressed. However, if the concept of seeing a SWAT team get trapped in a room where lasers fly at them and they have to jump them (A-button/B-button/Left trigger/Right trigger), then this is not the movie for you. It’s really just dumb, with very little entertainment value whatsoever. One would think that a movie about zombies, a rogue computer, and badass ninja women would at least have some campy B-movie strengths. However, one would suppose wrong. It’s just a mean-spirited zombie flick that doesn’t bring anything new to the table and basically is just an opportunity for the makeup department to go wild with their zombie effects.
The dialogue, unsurprisingly, is shit. Video game-to-film adaptations aren’t exactly famous for their spectacular scriptwriting, but it really blows me away how badly some of the dialogue in this movie is. People don’t talk like people in Resident Evil; they talk like expressionless and emotionless robots. The most inspired dialogue is when the heavy-handed and blatant political commentary on corporations comes in. If you thought Elysium was too obvious with its message, good holy God, stay away from this one. “Corporations like Umbrella think they’re above the law... but they’re not.” Wow! Such an inspiring piece of social commentary. How scathing.
Final Score for Resident Evil: 2/10 stars. It sucks, but fortunately it’s at least got a small sense of humor about how bad it is. Even the movie’s fans, who constantly crave the next installment in the seemingly unkillable franchise, seem to know how campy, corny, and stupid the movies are. Nothing about it is good, but it doesn’t aspire to be anything more than ridiculous trash, so it comes off as being agreeable popcorn entertainment and a semi-enjoyable distraction from far worse Hollywood blockbusters. If you’re capable of watching a movie while shutting your brain off, then this is truly the film for you.
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